“…that means we might as well just have been friends!” she explains to me in frustration.
She’s angry, she’s pissed, and she doesn’t understand why he can’t understand. This is the second time I’ve heard it (and from two different friends, too), I can’t blame it on coincidence anymore; I think it must be a global problem in the world of cotton candy and sugar.
We’re talking about men and their lack of understanding and picking up on hints (their words) in a relationship, and in all honesty I think I just fed the fire. She is upset because he doesn’t understand, and he is confused because he has no idea why she is upset. I tell her that we girls should perhaps not demand so much of guys and that just because he spends the same amount of time with his friends, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to see her.
“But he spends more time with them than with me!” Well, honestly I do that too when I’m in a relationship. Space is a matter of personal taste, but I like to have two separate lives; one with him and one where I go about the same old stuff I went about before I met him. I have a very strong sense of friendship, and have always put my friends before any boyfriend and it has always been essential that my partner understands that. I therefore felt very queasy when she explained to me “…he should treat me like a proper girlfriend, not like a normal friend. If he puts his friend before me and/or spends just as much time with her as with me, that means we might as well just have been friends! He might as well just go out with her.” Oh boy.
But isn’t there a reason he chose you as his girlfriend and not her? Close friends do spend a lot of time together, no matter the gender. It’s like having siblings, we love each other on a maternal level, and honestly (and I am prepared for a lot of disagreements on this) — I think that is far stronger. You can’t sever siblings apart, but the bond between two partners is a mix between something powerful yet fragile. Unstable, but addictive. I don’t blame you. I’ve loved and lost, and remember too well how tough it was to maintain a decent level of reason (but it is possible!) when all you want is to be with him.
But it seems I am alone in thinking this, for I’ve heard this same complaint twice now — once from someone I expected to think like that, but also once from someone I thought was always a bit more like me. “Men don’t understand.” “That’s like treating me just as a friend.” Do friends kiss? Do friends have this burning passion for each other that they don’t understand? No, I didn’t think so. He might not show you his affection the way you want him to, but to him that might have cost him a lot of effort. But then again I’ve been told I’m far too understanding and I’m thinking I’m not at all like the average girl. All the complaints they have, all the problems they had — I can’t remember having been in the same situation in the few relationships I’ve been in. Perhaps I am just too accepting? Should I demand more?
I don’t know, but I guess I’ll find out when the next prince charming comes along :)