“…that means we might as well just have been friends!” she explains to me in frustration.
She’s angry, she’s pissed, and she doesn’t understand why he can’t understand. This is the second time I’ve heard it (and from two different friends, too), I can’t blame it on coincidence anymore; I think it must be a global problem in the world of cotton candy and sugar.
We’re talking about men and their lack of understanding and picking up on hints (their words) in a relationship, and in all honesty I think I just fed the fire. She is upset because he doesn’t understand, and he is confused because he has no idea why she is upset. I tell her that we girls should perhaps not demand so much of guys and that just because he spends the same amount of time with his friends, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to see her.
“But he spends more time with them than with me!” Well, honestly I do that too when I’m in a relationship. Space is a matter of personal taste, but I like to have two separate lives; one with him and one where I go about the same old stuff I went about before I met him. I have a very strong sense of friendship, and have always put my friends before any boyfriend and it has always been essential that my partner understands that. I therefore felt very queasy when she explained to me “…he should treat me like a proper girlfriend, not like a normal friend. If he puts his friend before me and/or spends just as much time with her as with me, that means we might as well just have been friends! He might as well just go out with her.” Oh boy.
But isn’t there a reason he chose you as his girlfriend and not her? Close friends do spend a lot of time together, no matter the gender. It’s like having siblings, we love each other on a maternal level, and honestly (and I am prepared for a lot of disagreements on this) — I think that is far stronger. You can’t sever siblings apart, but the bond between two partners is a mix between something powerful yet fragile. Unstable, but addictive. I don’t blame you. I’ve loved and lost, and remember too well how tough it was to maintain a decent level of reason (but it is possible!) when all you want is to be with him.
But it seems I am alone in thinking this, for I’ve heard this same complaint twice now — once from someone I expected to think like that, but also once from someone I thought was always a bit more like me. “Men don’t understand.” “That’s like treating me just as a friend.” Do friends kiss? Do friends have this burning passion for each other that they don’t understand? No, I didn’t think so. He might not show you his affection the way you want him to, but to him that might have cost him a lot of effort. But then again I’ve been told I’m far too understanding and I’m thinking I’m not at all like the average girl. All the complaints they have, all the problems they had — I can’t remember having been in the same situation in the few relationships I’ve been in. Perhaps I am just too accepting? Should I demand more?
I don’t know, but I guess I’ll find out when the next prince charming comes along :)
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Tags: relationships, understanding
Yeah… this is a challenging one.
I think that you should spend time with your friends regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship – meaning you shouldn’t shut yourself in your room with your boyfriend. Ideally, I think it would be best to sometimes spend time with both your boyfriend and your friends – at the same time! My friends are an important part of who I am, and it would be tough for me if these two parts of my life did not mix. Getting to know some of his friends at some level would be natural too, imo.
Still, it’s also important to give each other space and time to be with your separate friends. I think it might even be better for a relationship to have some interests/friends that are your own. And I would certainly not want someone – anyone – to be a part of absolutely EVERY aspect of my life. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all of that. Besides, your friends were there before he ever was – and probably will be long after he might be gone.
I feel the problem arises when your boyfriend – being your partner – feels he should have the right to more of your time than that which you spend with your friends.
At some level I can understand this… you are, after all, something more than “just friends”. But I know I had a hard time of this. I seem to be a person that needs a lot of space – time to be by myself, and time to spend with my friends. Being very busy at school etc., I ended up being torn between spending my free time with my friends or my then boyfriend. In the end, I felt guilty for not spending enough time with either of them. Ugh.
Perhaps next time, I should find someone who’s like me – always busy doing other things? =P
Then again, will I be in a position to demand any more of his time should I want it…?
Don’t worry, that is somethingyou’ll hear a lot. Relationships are hard work that requires a lot of communication and less hinting. If you want to spend time with the person you should make plans and involve, just like you would a friend. Imagine a partner as a glorified best friend with benefits and you’ll get far.
Enig med deg.
Mine meninger raskt oppsummert fordi jeg er for lat til å skrive veldig langt.
1: At gutter ikke tar hint er bare sånn det er. Hint suger. Jenter som forventer at gutter skal forstå hint er teite. Jenter forstår jo ikke selv når andre jenter hinter, hvordan pokker skal gutter forstå hintene til jenter. Er det noe du vil ha – si det. _REALLY_.
2: Man må tilpasse seg hverandre i et forhold, om han må tilbringe tid med venner for å være lykkelig så må han få lov til det. Så lenge man ikke blir ignorert de gangene man er sammen så er alt fint. Kanskje man tilogmed setter mer pris på hverandres nærhver om man ikke sitter i fanget til hverandre hele dagen! Men det er noe man må balansere. Om man knapt ser hverandre i det hele tatt, hva er poenget?
3: Jeg kommer ikke sånn spesielt godt over ens med mine søsken. Så jeg er imot deg der. Jeg har mye tettere bånd med vennene mine, ikke at de to kan sammenlignes helt likevel, men jeg er generelt en mer venner-person en familie-person. Jeg kan ikke være i samme rom som søsteren min over lengre tid uten å krangle og sloss. Vi kommer bedre overens når vi ikke omgås så mye. :D
4: Kjærester som virkelig funker er også de som er gode venner samtidig som de er kjærester. Partneren din er på mange måter din beste venn i et normalt forhold.
Fuck. Det ble ganske langt likevel… :(
Ah…this is truly one of those things that is totally relevant/biased and depends on the individual and their said relationship. I mean to be honest, its very typical to hear girls complain about stuff like this but in the end, it still varies from relationship to relationship and some have more reason to complain than others.
Some ppl are casual coasters and they are fine with trying to date different people, or even if they have a bf/gf they are fine with just being light and casual about it (and I do not mean cheating), and not care too much when it comes to prioritizing them. They are fine going on dates with ppl that they find even SLIGHTLY attractive and feel a connection to, even if they do not know them all too well at first. Others like to search long and hard, exceptionally picky and may be one of those ppl that only have a FEW partners their entire lifetime, IF that, maybe even just one. This is because they prefer to spend the most amount of time on their partner because that is naturally their very first priority; they feel as they should and wish to. Too much teetering on one side is bad and some may say that the first person is shallow and heartless while the second one is obsessive and unhealthy, its all about balance.
I have to say, this typically happens when ppl usually take their relationship a lot more serious than what some may deem appropriate. I mean there are ppl who just do not see the point of having a relationship because by their definition of a partner/lover/bf/gf, it is someone that they cherish the most in the world…it is the entire reason they would ever be with that special person in the first place. This doesn’t mean that they are necessarily obsessive or clingy, it just means that if they are not their partners top priority, there is no point and its much better staying as friends (no problem with that either at all).
The logic in which they would put their friends before them is proposterous (to them, and not in an offending way, its just the simple matter of the difference in opinion) Which brings the fact that ppls perception of how much their partner has to mean to them is also different.
Personally though, I would have to disagree in terms of how your view of putting your friends before your Love. To me, I would never ever date anyone that would tell me to my face that I am not their most important person and that they will put their friends before me. I know thats a broad statement because it all is completely circumstantial, but I’d know what they would mean and they would mean that quite generally (since that is purposely not being specific at that point). And in the utmost general sense, I would not be alright with that, but putting that aside that doesn’t mean how you think is wrong by any means. In fact, I can totally understand why you would say/think that if you were to date somebody, and also most ppl view it that way. But yea just in my opinion, I am just looking for different things when it comes to relationships. This also in no way means that ppl should ditch their friends, friends are very important but if it comes down to me laying down my entire life and going to the depths of hell to save? A friend or my love? I would certainly put more effort to save the person I am with from lets say, a severe drug addiction than just a friend of mine.
:p all opinions I suppose. Good insight though!